I decided to sign up for the Lake Las Vegas Tri about a month ago, Izaac is doing it and I thought, why not? It's time to get into the water again so to speak. (I have a very healthy apprehension about open water if you didnt already know that!)
Now, I knew going into this that there was a chance that wetsuits were not going to be allowed, but so far the water temp has been ok. Even so, I decided to try to swim without my "safety blanket" over the last few weeks. How hard can it be!!?? I only have to go 500M! I've done way more than that. Well, I got my answer... for me, nearly impossible. Every time I try, I am consumed with panic about 50M off shore. Nothing I tell myself makes it go away. The fear wins again and I hightail it back to shore with great disappointment. Try again and again...no luck.
I actually started to feel like I no longer could swim in open water. Decided to go back to the trusty wetsuit and look at that, I can swim again! Fine, I'll just be the dork that wears the wetsuit in the 80 degree water at the tri. Who cares.
Guess what? Just got the email today that wetsuits WILL NOT be allowed Saturday. Fu**!!!
Instantly, I am overwhelmed with panic and disgust because I cant swim in open water without my wetsuit. As I sit here this morning I now have to battle with all those inner demons about the fear of swimming and the fear of failure. How come I cant out talk my mind? What is the big deal? What am I missing that other people have when it comes to strength and determination? Do I just give up now or when I have to be pulled out of the swim at 50M offshore? Is all this disappointment and stress really worth it? Will I feel like a failure if I dont do this or cant do this? Why to I doubt myself? And Why oh why do I fear water so much!?
I just dont know.